Kitties and Bears Don't Use Tartar Sauce

To 2-year-old: "You have to wash both hands, not just one."

To 2-year-old: "You do not need a spoon for steak and potato chips!"

To 2-year-old: "You don't have to stab your potato chips...you can eat those with your hands..."

To 2-year-old, asking me for a toy while I was changing her diaper: "I'll give it back when I'm done with your poop."

To-2-year hold:
"Stop poking my bra."
"Boobs!"

Talking to 4-year old about dinner:
"I like these fries. They're wrinkle fries."
"Crinkle."

Talking to my husband about the grocery store not having tartar sauce:
Me: "They must have a hard time selling tartar sauce."
My husband: "Nobody eats fish around here."
4-year-old: "Kitties eat fish! And bears!"
Me: "Well...yes, but they don't use tartar sauce."

To 4-year-old, who was sitting on my pillow: "Pillows are not for butts or feet."

To 2-year-old: "You cannot live on waffles alone."

To 2-year-old: "You can't wear your diaper over your pants."

To 2-year-old: "Stop sucking on my chair... And don't bite it! What is wrong with you?!"

My husband to our 2-year-old: "Your pathetic cries for waffles will go unanswered."

To 2-year-old: "Don't suck on the dolly's foot."

To 2-year-old: "You can't go wash your hands, you have a meatball in your hand!"

Me, to my husband: "Did I take my lunch time pills?"
4-year-old: "I took my lunch time pills."
Me: "You don't  have any lunch time pills."


To 2-year-old: "Quit snorting on my chair!"


Dilana, to my husband: "You have hairy feet, Daddy."
My husband: "Yes, I have hairy feet."
2-year-old, holding up her foot and looking at it: "I want hair feet!"

  

Signature tag by Geeky Graphx.

Stand Still, I Was Trying to Crack Open Your Head

Talking to 4-year-old:
"What are you drawing?"
"A super potato!"

4-year-old to a fly: "Shoo! Leave my sister alone!"

To 2-year-old: "Quit splashing in your green bean juice and eat them!"

Talking to 4-year-old:
"Stop with the squeaking!"
"But I found a squeaky block!"
"That doesn't mean you have to squeak it!"

To 2-year-old: "It's not a ring, it's an olive."

4-year-old sitting on her princess chair talking to me while I was cleaning:
"You must bow when you speak to me!"
*pffft* "The poop I do!"
"You just bend your neck, like this!"
"I know how to do it, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna!"

To 2-year-old: "Do not smoosh your french fry with your foot!"

To 2-year-old: "I cannot wash a chicken nugget."

Talking to 4-year-old:
"Mommy what's recycling?"
"Well, it's when people take things and break them down to make new paper, or plastic, or whatever it is."
"Or hats!"

To 4-year-old, who was trying to tell me how to put my band-aid on: "I've been using band-aids a lot longer than you have."

2-year-old: "I want drive car."

Overhearing my 4-year-old talking to her little sister:
"Stand still, I was trying to crack open your head."
"What?! No! Do not crack open your sister's head!"
"It was just pretend."

To both of my girls while they were supposed to be brushing their teeth: "Less giggling, more brushing."

To 2-year-old: "You haven't even touched the toothpaste. Stick that in there and brush!"

To 2-year-old: "Your cup is not a football."

2-year-old: "I want pick it."
*I turn around to look at her* "Why are you picking your belly button?" To my husband: "Must you teach our children strange habits?"

Talking to 2-year-old:
"Did you poop?"
"No."
*I look in her diaper* "You did too, there's a huge turd in there!"
*giggles*

To 2-year-old: "Quit bouncing your olives!"

To 2-year-old: "Hey! You can't just bust in on people in the bathroom!"

To 2-year-old: "Quit licking my chair!"

To 4-year-old: "Don't tie yourself together, that's not a good idea."

To 2-year-old: "We cannot have chicken nuggets for every meal."

To 2-year-old: "You cannot just take a bite out of a raw onion!"

To 4-year-old: "Don't fart into your bowl!" *a few seconds later* "Don't make your sister sniff the bowl!"

To 2-year-old: "Can we quit talking about farts at the table?"

My husband to our 4-year-old, who was trying to 'fold' her little sister: "Don't grab body parts and fold them!"

To 2-year-old who was watching me take a bath: "Quit splashing! You're not even in the bath tub and you're splashing!"

4-year-old to my husband, while smearing bubbles all over herself in the tub: "I like to wear bubble armor!"

Signature tag by Geeky Graphx.

It Glues Monkeys Together!

To 1-year-old: "Do not put stuff in your mouth that is not food!"
That's one of those things you expect to say as a parent, but still, it seems like an odd thing to say.

To 4-year-old on her day off from school: "Just  because you're home does not mean you need to run around naked."

To 4-year-old: "Your sister is not nocturnal."

Trying to teach 4-year-old to do Wii Fit:
"Walk in place."
*She starts walking*
"Walk IN PLACE, not off the board!"

Talking to my husband, after seeing something sticking out of our 1-year-old's diaper:
Me: "What does she have in her diaper?"
*He pulls out a toy otoscope*
Me: "No! You cannot put things in your diaper!"
My husband: "Well, she doesn't have pockets."

4-year-old talking to my husband. He had stopped telling her what to do on Wii Fit.: "I can't do it without you controlling me!"

4-year-old talking about Gorilla Glue: "It glues monkeys together!"

Me to my 1-year-old: "Why is it every time I turn around you have something you're not supposed to?!"

To 4-year-old: "Do not pull your sister by her diaper."

Talking to my 4-year-old, after her little sister starts crying:
"What did you do to her?!"
"I was...holding her."
"You were not holding her! Why was she crying?!"
*Trying not to giggle* "I knocked her over."

You Can't Just Wipe Anywhere, You Have to Wipe the Butt Hole

My 4-year-old and I were talking about space and my 1-year-old says, "I want space! Now!"
Me too, kid. Me too.

To 1-year-old, trying to get out of putting a diaper on: "You can't go commando when you still poop in your pants."

To 1-year-old: "Don't bounce your peach, eat it!"

Talking to 1-year-old:
"Are you done with your peach? You're to the pit."
"I eat it."
"You cannot eat the pit..."

To 4-year-old: "You can't just wipe anywhere, you have to wipe the butt hole."

4-year-old:
"I'm a princess!"
"You're a princess because you're wearing princess panties?"
"Yeah!"

To 4-year-old: "Pants are not optional."

1-year-old, pointing at a peach: "Butt. Orange."
She gets her sentences backwards, lol. I suppose she's right, though, a peach does kind of look like a butt LOL.

To 4-year-old, while in the tub with her little sister: "Don't make your sister eat the bubbles."

To 1-year-old: "Just because your sister tells you to do something doesn't mean it's a good idea."

Talking to 4-year-old about her little sister:
"Be nice."
"But it's not her birthday."
"Her birthday is not the only day you have to be nice to her!"

4-year-old: "When I grow up, I want to pay the bill when we go someplace."
Me: "That's fine with me!"
My husband: "We'll remember that!"

4-year-old:
"Is this Adia's zucchini?
"Bikini."

She Farts a Lot

Me, to 1-year-old: "That was naughty, you're not supposed to color on reading books."
Big sister: "Or you will go to jail!"

To 1-year-old: "Your corn dog sticks are not drum sticks."

To 1-year-old: "Don't hammer your pizza box!" (Toy pizza box, obviously. I didn't just give her a pizza to play with LOL.)

Talking to my 4-year-old about shorts:
"I want mine with those brussel sprout things."
"Brussel sprout things? You mean ruffles...?"
"Yeah, ruffles."

To my FOUR-year-old: "Stop licking the cart."

To 1-year-old: "We can't go faster. It's a shopping cart, not a race car."

1-year-old, holding her leg in the air: "Ow! 'mooch it!"
*I kiss it*
"Thank you!" *runs off*

To 4-year-old: "Stop hitting yourself, please."

4-year-old, talking about the "toilet decoration" she made: "I like my poodle. That's why I pee with it on there."
Me: "O....kay...."

Talking to 1-year-old (who has a horrible shoe obsession:
"Shoes!"
"You don't need shoes."
"I want shoes!"
"You're in a diaper, you don't need shoes!"
"I want shoes!"
This continued for a while...

To 4-year-old on the toilet: "Quit playing the kazoo in the bathroom!"

4-year-old, talking about her little sister: "She farts a lot."

To My Beautiful Big Girl, Dilana

I remember the day you were born as if it were yesterday. The day you changed my life and showed me how much love my heart was truly capable of holding.

Your daddy went overseas when you were 11 days old. I was terrified, but I was not alone. You were there with me. I never would have guessed that someone so small could help me through so much, and that such an amazing bond would be possible, despite your young age.

I was terrified of being a first-time mom, and a single mom on top of that. It was hard, but not as hard as I imagined. Somehow I knew, for the most part, what I needed to do. What I didn't, you showed me. When I look back on that year, it was the hardest year of my life, but it may have also been the best.

This past Saturday, at 11:02 in the morning, was exactly four years since I gave birth to you. Then, Monday morning, you started preschool. I am so proud of you, but I can't lie that a little piece of my heart is breaking because you are no longer my tiny little four-pound baby (I still swear that you heard me say that your daddy was coming home, so you decided you had to hurry up and make it out, lol). You have grown into an absolutely beautiful young lady and I love you very much. I am so happy that you are enjoying school so much and I know you are going to learn a ton. You are so smart.

I love you, sweetheart ♥

Brand new!

The first time I held you.

One year old!

Two!

Three!

Four!

First day of preschool!

Signature tag by Geeky Graphx.

Quit Eating Hair and I Won't Have to Pull it out of Your Butt Hole

It's been a while... I really need to post more often!

To 1-year-old:
     "Don't play with your pee!"

3-year-old, yelling from the bathroom:
     "Mommy! There's bugs in the tub!"
     "Ok, they're in the tub, they're not going to get you. Finish what you're doing and get out."
     "No, come here!"
     "Fine." (In the bathroom) "Where are these alleged bugs?"
     "I don't know..."

Talking to 3-year-old while she's in the bathroom:
     "What are you doing?"
     "I'm trying to push my poop out. It's hard."
     "Oh, I'm sorry."
     (Excitedly, a few seconds later) "It came out!"

To 1-year-old:
     "Why are you eating a popsicle in the bathroom?"

To 1-year-old:
     "Why are you drinking and dancing?" (It was water...but I didn't think I'd be saying that for a few years, lol).

Changing 1-year-old's diaper:
     "Ow."
     "Well, quit eating hair and I won't have to pull it out of your butt hole."

3-year-old, swinging a toy fish around:
     "It's a fishcopter!"

To 3-year-old:
     "No more 'super jumps'"

Talking to 3-year-old while I'm sweeping:
     "Put your feet back, they're in the way."
     "Don't want you to sweep my feet off!"

3-year-old, wrapped up in her white blanket:
     "I'm a roll of TP!"

To 1-year-old:
     "Go back to the living room! I'm trying to put laundry away!"
     *Backs all the way out to the living room*
     "You can turn around, you don't have to back up..."

Changing 1-year-old's pull-up:
     "Why did a quarter fall out of your diaper?"

3-year-old yelling from the bathroom:
     "Help, Mommy! I'm about to fall into the toilet!"
The funniest part? She really was about to fall into the toilet.

To 1-year-old:
     "You cannot wear a nightie to go get your hair cut."

Kids taking a bath:
     (3-year-old) "Don't put it on your nipples, Adia!"
     (Me) "She can do what she wants with it, it's her soap and her nipples."

To 1-year-old:
     "Quit licking your toes!"

To 3-year-old:
     "Take my bra off of your head."

To my husband:
     "You have a monkey in your butt."
You find toys everywhere when you have kids...lol.

1-year-old getting out of the tub:
     "I wet."
     "You were taking a bath!"

My husband changing our 1-year-old's diaper:
     "No farting without a diaper on!"

1-year-old, while I was sitting on the toilet:
     *points* "Mommy panties."
     "Yes, I am wearing my own panties."

To 1-year-old playing with a toy tractor:
     "Why are you driving on yourself?"

To 3-year-old:
     "Why do you have a stick up the hamster's butt?" (It was a toy hamster, in case you were concerned LOL).

Me talking to my 3-year-old who had to pee in the middle of dinner:
     "Don't get pizza on your panties!"

To 3-year-old:
     "Get the pants off of the giraffe's head."

Talking to 1-year-old:
     "Where's your cup?"
     *points*
     "Where? I don't see it."
     *points the other direction*
     "It's not there, either. Do you KNOW where it is?"
     *shakes head*

3-year-old:
     "I left my green noise-maker at Grandma and Grandpa's."
     "I'm sorry. We'll get it next time we're over there."
     "I hope Grandma and Grandpa aren't playing with my noise-maker."

3-year-old, going into the bathroom:
     "I have to go explode, because my tummy is really upset." (Blame her father for that phrase).

My husband to our 1-year-old:
     "Don't scrape me with the toast."

To 1-year-old:
     "Don't eat the bubbles! It's soap, it's not to eat!"