A Combination of Chocolate, Boogers, and Popcorn

Talking to my 4-year-old:
"It's Adia's hat! She was looking for that for years!"
"Well, she's only been alive for two years, so it couldn't have been too long."

My 4-year-old talking to me about her little sister:
"Adia's gonna grow up big! Big like a balloon and then go POP!"
"She is not going to pop!"

4-year-old: "I ate too much salsa. I'm gonna fart out fire."

To my 2-year-old, who was wrapping my measuring tape around her tiny little finger: "You do not need to measure your finger."

My husband talking about our 2-year-old: "She has a combination of chocolate, boogers, and popcorn on her hands."

Talking to my 2-year-old:
"Eat your apple."
"I roll it."
"It is not a ball, it's an apple. Eat it."
*Continues rolling it* "Whee!"

To 2-year-old: "Sweetie, you can't hold these cups upside down, they spill. Lesson number two of the big girl cup..."

Talking to my 4-year-old, looking out the window:
"Somebody threw an icky chip on our bush."
"Where?"
"There." *points*
"That's a leaf. It's just a leaf that turned brown."
"Oh."

4-year-old: *Marches up to me* "My feet stink." *Sticks her foot in the air at me* "Smell 'em."

To 2-year-old: "You don't move the table to you. You move your chair to the table."

My husband: "Son of a..."
Adia: "Bitch!"
Yeah...we're at the parrot stage. Need to watch our language, lol.

To 4-year-old: "Take your french fry package off your head."

Talking to 2-year-old:
"Chicken!"
"Go sit down and eat!"
*Walks over to her chair* "Pie!"
"It doesn't matter if you're eating something different, you still have to sit down!"

Signature tag by Geeky Graphx.

Why is There a Toilet in My Pillow?

To 2-year-old: "Quit trying to put your dollies in my pants!"

Talking to our 2-year-old during dinner one night:
Me: "Eat your beans."
My husband: "They make you fart!"
*She smiles and pushes*
Me: "That doesn't mean you have to try while you're eating them."

To 4-year-old: "It's not a drumstick, it's a fork." (Ok, I heard that one A LOT as a kid, lol).

To 2-year-old: "Don't grab people's butts.

Talking to 4-year-old:
"Can we go outside and blow my bubbles?"
"No, it's too cold out."
*Looks out the window* "I don't see any cold."
"You can't see cold."
"Oh. Why not?"

Me, when going to bed: "Why is there a toilet in my pillow?"

My husband to our 4-year-old: "Your sleeve is not a booger wiper."

4-year-old, running up to my husband:
"My balloon popped!"
"What happened?"
"I was poking it with this." *pulls out a toy knife*
"Ok, you can't poke a balloon with a KNIFE!"

To my 2-year-old after dinner: "Hang on, come here. You have rice in your nose."

4-year-old:
"Get the tutu off your neck."
"But I'm pretending to be a flower!"

2-year-old burps, and starts chewing.
My husband: "Did you burp some up that you're chewing?"
Adia: "Yeah."
My husband: "That's gross."

To my 2-year-old:
"Are you done eating?"
"No."
"Then sit down and eat. I'm not going to sit out here all afternoon while you dance around!"

Me, to my 2-year-old holding tongs:
"Put those down before you hurt yourself."
My 4-year-old: "You're gonna snap your eye out!"
"No, she's not! Don't tell her that."

Our 2-year-old looks in the toilet while we are cleaning her poop out of the bathtub.
"I poop in toilet!"
"Just because your poop is in the toilet, doesn't mean that you pooped in the toilet."

Quit Honking My Boob!

Talking to my 2-year-old:
"How did you get chili on your toe?"
*Looks down and wiggles it.*
"Quit wiggling it and eat the rest of your chili."

To my 4-year-old: "Quit flying."

To 4-year-old, eating dinner: "Don't play with your rib bones!"

To my 4-year-old: "Don't shake my Kahlua!"

To 4-year-old: "You are the only person I've ever met who is ticklish on their face."

To 2-year-old, trying to walk through the house behind her: "You're like being stuck behind an old lady with her blinker on."

To 2-year-old: "Quit honking my boob!"

To my daughters: "Your bowls are not hats, please take them off."

To 2-year-old: "Don't try to talk and swallow at the same time, it doesn't work."

To 2-year-old: "Why do you have two utensils and you're still using your fingers?"

To 2-year-old: "Don't put the Wonder Pets in your butt."

Conversation with my 2-year-old:
"Lana dance?"
"Lana doesn't have dance for a couple of days."
"Oh, why?"
"That's just when it is."
"Why?"
"Just because! Why are you such a pain in the butt?"
"Just 'cause!"

Talking to 4-year-old:
"Go brush your teeth."
"I don't want to. My leg hurts."
"That has nothing to do with your teeth, go brush."

Signature tag by Geeky Graphx.

Kitties and Bears Don't Use Tartar Sauce

To 2-year-old: "You have to wash both hands, not just one."

To 2-year-old: "You do not need a spoon for steak and potato chips!"

To 2-year-old: "You don't have to stab your potato chips...you can eat those with your hands..."

To 2-year-old, asking me for a toy while I was changing her diaper: "I'll give it back when I'm done with your poop."

To-2-year hold:
"Stop poking my bra."
"Boobs!"

Talking to 4-year old about dinner:
"I like these fries. They're wrinkle fries."
"Crinkle."

Talking to my husband about the grocery store not having tartar sauce:
Me: "They must have a hard time selling tartar sauce."
My husband: "Nobody eats fish around here."
4-year-old: "Kitties eat fish! And bears!"
Me: "Well...yes, but they don't use tartar sauce."

To 4-year-old, who was sitting on my pillow: "Pillows are not for butts or feet."

To 2-year-old: "You cannot live on waffles alone."

To 2-year-old: "You can't wear your diaper over your pants."

To 2-year-old: "Stop sucking on my chair... And don't bite it! What is wrong with you?!"

My husband to our 2-year-old: "Your pathetic cries for waffles will go unanswered."

To 2-year-old: "Don't suck on the dolly's foot."

To 2-year-old: "You can't go wash your hands, you have a meatball in your hand!"

Me, to my husband: "Did I take my lunch time pills?"
4-year-old: "I took my lunch time pills."
Me: "You don't  have any lunch time pills."


To 2-year-old: "Quit snorting on my chair!"


Dilana, to my husband: "You have hairy feet, Daddy."
My husband: "Yes, I have hairy feet."
2-year-old, holding up her foot and looking at it: "I want hair feet!"

  

Signature tag by Geeky Graphx.

Stand Still, I Was Trying to Crack Open Your Head

Talking to 4-year-old:
"What are you drawing?"
"A super potato!"

4-year-old to a fly: "Shoo! Leave my sister alone!"

To 2-year-old: "Quit splashing in your green bean juice and eat them!"

Talking to 4-year-old:
"Stop with the squeaking!"
"But I found a squeaky block!"
"That doesn't mean you have to squeak it!"

To 2-year-old: "It's not a ring, it's an olive."

4-year-old sitting on her princess chair talking to me while I was cleaning:
"You must bow when you speak to me!"
*pffft* "The poop I do!"
"You just bend your neck, like this!"
"I know how to do it, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna!"

To 2-year-old: "Do not smoosh your french fry with your foot!"

To 2-year-old: "I cannot wash a chicken nugget."

Talking to 4-year-old:
"Mommy what's recycling?"
"Well, it's when people take things and break them down to make new paper, or plastic, or whatever it is."
"Or hats!"

To 4-year-old, who was trying to tell me how to put my band-aid on: "I've been using band-aids a lot longer than you have."

2-year-old: "I want drive car."

Overhearing my 4-year-old talking to her little sister:
"Stand still, I was trying to crack open your head."
"What?! No! Do not crack open your sister's head!"
"It was just pretend."

To both of my girls while they were supposed to be brushing their teeth: "Less giggling, more brushing."

To 2-year-old: "You haven't even touched the toothpaste. Stick that in there and brush!"

To 2-year-old: "Your cup is not a football."

2-year-old: "I want pick it."
*I turn around to look at her* "Why are you picking your belly button?" To my husband: "Must you teach our children strange habits?"

Talking to 2-year-old:
"Did you poop?"
"No."
*I look in her diaper* "You did too, there's a huge turd in there!"
*giggles*

To 2-year-old: "Quit bouncing your olives!"

To 2-year-old: "Hey! You can't just bust in on people in the bathroom!"

To 2-year-old: "Quit licking my chair!"

To 4-year-old: "Don't tie yourself together, that's not a good idea."

To 2-year-old: "We cannot have chicken nuggets for every meal."

To 2-year-old: "You cannot just take a bite out of a raw onion!"

To 4-year-old: "Don't fart into your bowl!" *a few seconds later* "Don't make your sister sniff the bowl!"

To 2-year-old: "Can we quit talking about farts at the table?"

My husband to our 4-year-old, who was trying to 'fold' her little sister: "Don't grab body parts and fold them!"

To 2-year-old who was watching me take a bath: "Quit splashing! You're not even in the bath tub and you're splashing!"

4-year-old to my husband, while smearing bubbles all over herself in the tub: "I like to wear bubble armor!"

Signature tag by Geeky Graphx.

It Glues Monkeys Together!

To 1-year-old: "Do not put stuff in your mouth that is not food!"
That's one of those things you expect to say as a parent, but still, it seems like an odd thing to say.

To 4-year-old on her day off from school: "Just  because you're home does not mean you need to run around naked."

To 4-year-old: "Your sister is not nocturnal."

Trying to teach 4-year-old to do Wii Fit:
"Walk in place."
*She starts walking*
"Walk IN PLACE, not off the board!"

Talking to my husband, after seeing something sticking out of our 1-year-old's diaper:
Me: "What does she have in her diaper?"
*He pulls out a toy otoscope*
Me: "No! You cannot put things in your diaper!"
My husband: "Well, she doesn't have pockets."

4-year-old talking to my husband. He had stopped telling her what to do on Wii Fit.: "I can't do it without you controlling me!"

4-year-old talking about Gorilla Glue: "It glues monkeys together!"

Me to my 1-year-old: "Why is it every time I turn around you have something you're not supposed to?!"

To 4-year-old: "Do not pull your sister by her diaper."

Talking to my 4-year-old, after her little sister starts crying:
"What did you do to her?!"
"I was...holding her."
"You were not holding her! Why was she crying?!"
*Trying not to giggle* "I knocked her over."

You Can't Just Wipe Anywhere, You Have to Wipe the Butt Hole

My 4-year-old and I were talking about space and my 1-year-old says, "I want space! Now!"
Me too, kid. Me too.

To 1-year-old, trying to get out of putting a diaper on: "You can't go commando when you still poop in your pants."

To 1-year-old: "Don't bounce your peach, eat it!"

Talking to 1-year-old:
"Are you done with your peach? You're to the pit."
"I eat it."
"You cannot eat the pit..."

To 4-year-old: "You can't just wipe anywhere, you have to wipe the butt hole."

4-year-old:
"I'm a princess!"
"You're a princess because you're wearing princess panties?"
"Yeah!"

To 4-year-old: "Pants are not optional."

1-year-old, pointing at a peach: "Butt. Orange."
She gets her sentences backwards, lol. I suppose she's right, though, a peach does kind of look like a butt LOL.

To 4-year-old, while in the tub with her little sister: "Don't make your sister eat the bubbles."

To 1-year-old: "Just because your sister tells you to do something doesn't mean it's a good idea."

Talking to 4-year-old about her little sister:
"Be nice."
"But it's not her birthday."
"Her birthday is not the only day you have to be nice to her!"

4-year-old: "When I grow up, I want to pay the bill when we go someplace."
Me: "That's fine with me!"
My husband: "We'll remember that!"

4-year-old:
"Is this Adia's zucchini?
"Bikini."