Go Pick Your Toes in the Living Room

To 2-year-old: "Do not get into the bucket or anywhere else you can't get yourself out of."

To 2-year-old: "My panties are not Ming-Ming's trampoline."

To 2-year-old: "Why are you making a tower out of TP?"

Talking to 4-year-old:
"Stop flinging the dust off of my computer."
"You used to fling the dust off of Grandma's when you were little."
"No, I didn't."
"Yes, you did."
"No, they didn't have computers when I was little." *shoving my head in my pillow in shame*

To 2-year-old: "Why did you just take my panties out of the hamper and run away?"

Talking to my 4-year-old after she decorated my computer with stickers: *Points at dragon sticker* "That's for Daddy because he used to live in California with you." Not sure what the connection is... last I checked there weren't any dragons in California.

Kicking my 2-year-old out of my room: "Go pick your toes in the living room."

Overhearing 2-year-old playing with a toy:
"I break her head!"
"Don't break her head!!"

"Why is there a flip-flop in the laundry hamper?"

4-year-old watching me clean:
"That doesn't smell like flowers to me."
"It's not flower scented."
"Oh. It smells like babies. It smells like you, Adia!"

To both: "The bed is not for walking on."

To 4-year-old:
"Stop ruffing."
 "I'm a puppy!"

Your Big Sister is Not Authorized to Give You Candy

To 4-year-old: "Get the horse out of the doorway."

My husband to our 2-year-old, playing with a toy fishing pole: "You don't need to go fishing in Mommy's coffee!"

To 2-year-old: "Take off Daddy's cowboy boot!"

Talking to 2-year-old:
"Can I have it so I can fix it?"
"No!"
"Fine, you can have a one-eyed snake, then!"

4-year-old traced her little sister's hand to draw a turkey.
"Look, Adia, it's a turkey!"
"I eat it?"

To 2-year-old:
"Leave my computer alone!"
"It was Tuck."

To 2-year-old: "Your big sister is not authorized to give you candy."

My husband to me, after our 2-year-old crapped in the tub: "You take care of the little tushie, while I fish the turd out of the tub."

To 2-year-old: "Don't pick your scab just because you want a band-aid."

My husband to our 2-year-old: "Don't bite the iPad, you little weirdo."

To 2-year-old: "Well, Captain Hook, you have a turd in your butt."

My husband to our 4-year-old: "Don't get the goo out! Just eat the cookie."

To 2-year-old: "Don't step on my bladder!" Never thought I'd say that after they were born...

To 2-year-old: "The paper towels are not the Wonder Pets' bed." Paper towels off the roll and torn up, I might add. :/

To 4-year-old: "Don't use your Barbies as lightsabers!"

To 2-year-old: "Don't put your fruit snacks between your toes!"

What? It's No Fun if You Can't Chew on It?

To 2-year-old: "Stop wiggling your butt with poop in it."
Her: *giggle*

To 2-year-old: "I cannot take a piece of pasta out for you to try. The grocery store frowns upon that."

2-year-old, while I'm changing her diaper: "I want see turd!"

2-year-old was messing around at dinner:
"Sit down!"
"On the floor?"
"No! Not on the floor, on the chair!"

To 4-year-old, playing with her big stuffed tiger: "Why are you slapping the tiger in the face?'

Trying to put on 2-year-old's feetie jammies: "That's a foot hole, not an arm hole."

To 2-year-old, pretending a toy is a phone: "Why are you talking on a lizard?"

To 2-year-old: "Why are you 'ribet'ing at me?"

To 2-year-old, eating pizza rolls: "You can't just squeeze out the filling, you have to eat the whole thing."

To 2-year-old: "Don't eat your toe jam! Eww!"

To 2-year-old: "Don't eat the napkin, eat the bread!"

To both kids: "Mommy and Daddy's motorcycle helmets are not toys."

To both kids: "I'm putting away laundry, go march somewhere else."

To 2-year-old: "Your waffle is not a hat. Please take it off."

To 2-year-old, chewing on a toy:
"Don't chew on that!"
*throws it on the floor*
"What? It's no fun if you can't chew on it?"

Talking to 2-year-old about her toy that she got wet:
"I'll figure out a way to dry her when I get out of the tub."
"I know!" *runs off* I wash Ming-Ming on my shoe! *rubs Ming-Ming on the sole of her shoe*
How did that possibly seem like the thing to do...?

Quit Honking My Boob!

Talking to my 2-year-old:
"How did you get chili on your toe?"
*Looks down and wiggles it.*
"Quit wiggling it and eat the rest of your chili."

To my 4-year-old: "Quit flying."

To 4-year-old, eating dinner: "Don't play with your rib bones!"

To my 4-year-old: "Don't shake my Kahlua!"

To 4-year-old: "You are the only person I've ever met who is ticklish on their face."

To 2-year-old, trying to walk through the house behind her: "You're like being stuck behind an old lady with her blinker on."

To 2-year-old: "Quit honking my boob!"

To my daughters: "Your bowls are not hats, please take them off."

To 2-year-old: "Don't try to talk and swallow at the same time, it doesn't work."

To 2-year-old: "Why do you have two utensils and you're still using your fingers?"

To 2-year-old: "Don't put the Wonder Pets in your butt."

Conversation with my 2-year-old:
"Lana dance?"
"Lana doesn't have dance for a couple of days."
"Oh, why?"
"That's just when it is."
"Why?"
"Just because! Why are you such a pain in the butt?"
"Just 'cause!"

Talking to 4-year-old:
"Go brush your teeth."
"I don't want to. My leg hurts."
"That has nothing to do with your teeth, go brush."

Signature tag by Geeky Graphx.

You Cannot Marry Your Sister

I was teaching Dilana how to make a heart with her hands, and she made one but flattened her thumbs, and said this:
     "Look! It's a flat heart. It got squished by a robot monkey."

Me, asking my 3-year-old about her little sister:
     "Where's Adia?"
     "It's not Adia, she's my robot Adia copy. I built her with my toy hammer."

1-year-old, showing me what she's playing with:
     "Hammer."
     "Why are you hammering Ming-Ming's head?!"
     *she goes back to hammering*

 My husband trying to teach our 1-year-old to brush her own teeth:
     "Brush! Good job! Get the backs!"
     *she tries to brush her back*
     "Not your back, the backs of your teeth!"

After investigating a thud I heard in the direction of my 3-year-old:
     "You really fell off the bed trying to take off your own shoe?"
     "Yes..."

Changing 1-year-old's pull-up:
     "I want dance."
     "Well, you have to put pants on before you dance."
     *turns her naked butt towards me and continues to dance*

3-year-old:
     "I'm gonna marry Adia."
     "You cannot marry your sister."

3-year-old looking at our new oscillating fan:
     "I've never seen a swurpty-wurpty swinging fan like that before!"

Talking to 1-year-old:
     "Nobody likes to be sat on when you have poop in your butt."

Talking to my 3-year-old:
     "Take off my bra."

1-year-old, pointing:
     "Boob. Big boob."

To my 3-year-old:
     "No! Don't unzip me!"

Talking to 3-year-old:
     "Mommy, what's a meteor?"
     "Well, it's a rock from space falling to Earth."
     "And then it squished all the dinosaurs!"
     (After laughing pretty heavily, lol) "Well, that was an asteroid, and it didn't squish them."

Signature tag by Geeky Graphx.

I'm Not Going to Move for the Flyboat!

To 1-year-old:
     "Ice cream is not a finger food."

To 3-year-old:
     "Why are you wearing your panties and your Winter coat?"
Mind you, it is July...

To 1-year-old:
     "Stop eating and dancing! You're going to choke!"

To 1-year-old:
     "Stop dancing and put your pants on!"

Talking to 1-year-old, driving her Wonder Pets Flyboat on my bed:
     "Stuck."
     "I know it's stuck. That's because I'm in the way."
     *pushes it into me*
     "I'm not going to move for the Flyboat!"

To 3-year-old, playing with her little sister:
     "Stop it."
     "But I'm jiggling her."
     "Don't 'jiggle' her!"
     "But she's really jiggly!"

To 1-year-old, playing with a toy hammer:
     "Please don't hammer your sister."

Talking to my 3-year-old. She had a baby rattle stuck in the bottom of a toy saxophone:
     "Why do you have the rattle in the saxophone?!"

Conversation my husband and I had with our 3-year-old:
     *3-year-old farts*
     Me: "Don't poop another pair of underwear! You're already on your third pair today."
     3-year-old: "Don't say that, Mommy."
     Husband: "It's not Mommy's fault you fart and poop your panties."
     3-year-old: "Stop talking about that!"
Yes! We achieved our first major embarrassment of one of our children!

3-year-old:
     "I have a stinky smell in my neck!"

**Side note** I saw this when I was linking The Wonder Pets. It looks incredibly cute!

Don't Lick Mommy!

5/13

To my 1-year-old, walking up to me with toys:
     "Why do you have Tuck and a blender?" [Tuck is one of the Wonder Pets]. 

Talking to my 3-year-old: 
     "Don't ruin Adia's truck."
     "Why not?"
     "Um...because it's hers."

     "That's Adia's duck."
     "She said I could have it."
     "Considering she doesn't say much of anything, I doubt that. Go give it back."

     "I want a baby brother."
     "You're not getting one."
     "Yes, I will, when Adia gets bigger."
     "Um...no."

5/14

3-year-old:
     "Ow! Ow! Ow!"
     "What?"
     "I don't know."

5/15

My husband talking to my 3-year-old:
     "I'll be right back. I have to go get the lawn mower."
     "Where is it?"
     "At Grandma's house."
     "But you can use mine!"
     "Thank you, sweetie, but I have to use the one that actually cuts the grass."

5/16

My husband to my one-year-old:
     "Don't lick Mommy!"

Me to my one-year-old [later in the day]:
     "Quit! You don't need to lick your sister." [We had a theme going today...]

To my 3-year-old:
     "Don't make Pooh dance on your sister's head."