Don't Dip the Booger-Covered Carrot

I haven't posted for a long time, so these are from quite a while ago but I don't want to not post any :)

To 2-year-old: "The carrot is not a spoon."

To 2-year-old: "Don't dip the booger-covered carrot!"

My husband to our 2-year-old: "Leave it alone. There will be times in life that you have to flush more than once, but not right now."

4-year-old: "Rubber bands are for stuff that you rubbered."

4-year-old: "I like your wiggly, jiggly tummy, Mommy." *sigh*

4-year-old talking to me:
"That happens sometimes when you get old, you get sick. How old are you, Mommy?"
"26."
"26?! I can't even count that high!"

Getting the kids ready to go somewhere: "Why are neither of you wearing pants?"

4-year-old talking about her fish:
"How do you get Nemo out to clean his bowl?"
"Well, we scoop him out and put him in another little bowl while we clean his."
"Don't scoop him out, just grab him out! Grab him by his tail!"

My sister-in-law: "What your children do to food is a tragedy."

To 2-year-old: "Don't put your pretzel on your toe."

To both kids: "No balloon dueling!"

To 2-year-old: "Don't feed Pluto!" (She was trying to feed a statue at Disney World, lol)

To 4-year-old washing her hands: "You scratched your butt hole, you need to use soap!"

To 2-year-old: "The penguin does not need to dance on my iPhone."

Go Pick Your Toes in the Living Room

To 2-year-old: "Do not get into the bucket or anywhere else you can't get yourself out of."

To 2-year-old: "My panties are not Ming-Ming's trampoline."

To 2-year-old: "Why are you making a tower out of TP?"

Talking to 4-year-old:
"Stop flinging the dust off of my computer."
"You used to fling the dust off of Grandma's when you were little."
"No, I didn't."
"Yes, you did."
"No, they didn't have computers when I was little." *shoving my head in my pillow in shame*

To 2-year-old: "Why did you just take my panties out of the hamper and run away?"

Talking to my 4-year-old after she decorated my computer with stickers: *Points at dragon sticker* "That's for Daddy because he used to live in California with you." Not sure what the connection is... last I checked there weren't any dragons in California.

Kicking my 2-year-old out of my room: "Go pick your toes in the living room."

Overhearing 2-year-old playing with a toy:
"I break her head!"
"Don't break her head!!"

"Why is there a flip-flop in the laundry hamper?"

4-year-old watching me clean:
"That doesn't smell like flowers to me."
"It's not flower scented."
"Oh. It smells like babies. It smells like you, Adia!"

To both: "The bed is not for walking on."

To 4-year-old:
"Stop ruffing."
 "I'm a puppy!"

There are Too Many Bodily Functions That Occur Somewhere Other Than the Toilet in This House!

My husband to our 2-year-old: "Quit wiggling your cheese at people and just eat it!"

Conversation with my 2-year-old:
"Mommy, I poop."
*look in diaper* "No, you didn't. You just farted."
"Change my farted."
"I don't need to change your diaper for a fart."

To 2-year-old playing with toy food: "You can pretend to eat it but don't actually bite it!"

To 4-year-old: "The spider is not going to eat your Pop-Tart. They don't eat Pop-Tarts."

My husband giving our 2-year-old juice:
"Do you want strawberry or cherry?"
"Blue."
"Blue is not an option."

Yelling at 4-year-old in the bathroom: "If you poop, be sure to wipe your butt!"

To both girls: "Don't put your heads in the doll house, you don't want to get them stuck."

To 4-year-old: "Do not put food inside the printer!"

While doing laundry: "There are too many bodily functions that occur somewhere other than the toilet in this house!"

My husband to our 4-year-old: "Quit rubbing your butt on things, it's weird."

To both girls: "You don't need to ride each other!"

To 4-year-old: "Every time you move, you fart."

My husband: "Where is the plate? The plate isn't even on the table anymore! It's across the room! What happened to cleaning up?!"

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Signature tag by Geeky Graphx.

Bow Ties are Cool

Your Big Sister is Not Authorized to Give You Candy

To 4-year-old: "Get the horse out of the doorway."

My husband to our 2-year-old, playing with a toy fishing pole: "You don't need to go fishing in Mommy's coffee!"

To 2-year-old: "Take off Daddy's cowboy boot!"

Talking to 2-year-old:
"Can I have it so I can fix it?"
"No!"
"Fine, you can have a one-eyed snake, then!"

4-year-old traced her little sister's hand to draw a turkey.
"Look, Adia, it's a turkey!"
"I eat it?"

To 2-year-old:
"Leave my computer alone!"
"It was Tuck."

To 2-year-old: "Your big sister is not authorized to give you candy."

My husband to me, after our 2-year-old crapped in the tub: "You take care of the little tushie, while I fish the turd out of the tub."

To 2-year-old: "Don't pick your scab just because you want a band-aid."

My husband to our 2-year-old: "Don't bite the iPad, you little weirdo."

To 2-year-old: "Well, Captain Hook, you have a turd in your butt."

My husband to our 4-year-old: "Don't get the goo out! Just eat the cookie."

To 2-year-old: "Don't step on my bladder!" Never thought I'd say that after they were born...

To 2-year-old: "The paper towels are not the Wonder Pets' bed." Paper towels off the roll and torn up, I might add. :/

To 4-year-old: "Don't use your Barbies as lightsabers!"

To 2-year-old: "Don't put your fruit snacks between your toes!"

You Don't Need Denture Glue!

To 2-year-old, trying to bite my nose: "You're cute, but please don't eat me."

2-year-old:
"Boobs! Drum, drum, drum." *drumming on my bra*
"No! Don't drum, drum on my boobs."

To 2-year-old: "Why are you eating Hello Kitty?!"

To 2-year-old, a bit later: "Why are you putting Hello Kitty in your diaper?!"
Poor Hello Kitty...

To 4-year-old: "Don't give your dirty panties to your sister! That's gross."

Conversation with 4-year-old:
"I don't want to take a bath, I'm not stinky."
"You are too stinky, go take a bath."
*sniffs her arm* "I don't smell any stink on me."

Talking to 4-year-old, in the tub:
"Scrub your butt."
"Yeah, for the party. I don't want it to be stinky for the party!"

Talking to 2-year-old:
"I want wear panties."
"You want to wear panties? Well, you have to figure out how to not pee in them first."

To 2-year-old: "Please quit talking in a little demon voice."

To 2-year-old: "Mommy's writing something, I can't play with Elmo right now."

To 2-year-old: "My keyboard is not Elmo's choo-choo train track."

To 2-year-old, while shopping: "You don't need denture glue!"

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Signature tag by Geeky Graphx.

What? It's No Fun if You Can't Chew on It?

To 2-year-old: "Stop wiggling your butt with poop in it."
Her: *giggle*

To 2-year-old: "I cannot take a piece of pasta out for you to try. The grocery store frowns upon that."

2-year-old, while I'm changing her diaper: "I want see turd!"

2-year-old was messing around at dinner:
"Sit down!"
"On the floor?"
"No! Not on the floor, on the chair!"

To 4-year-old, playing with her big stuffed tiger: "Why are you slapping the tiger in the face?'

Trying to put on 2-year-old's feetie jammies: "That's a foot hole, not an arm hole."

To 2-year-old, pretending a toy is a phone: "Why are you talking on a lizard?"

To 2-year-old: "Why are you 'ribet'ing at me?"

To 2-year-old, eating pizza rolls: "You can't just squeeze out the filling, you have to eat the whole thing."

To 2-year-old: "Don't eat your toe jam! Eww!"

To 2-year-old: "Don't eat the napkin, eat the bread!"

To both kids: "Mommy and Daddy's motorcycle helmets are not toys."

To both kids: "I'm putting away laundry, go march somewhere else."

To 2-year-old: "Your waffle is not a hat. Please take it off."

To 2-year-old, chewing on a toy:
"Don't chew on that!"
*throws it on the floor*
"What? It's no fun if you can't chew on it?"

Talking to 2-year-old about her toy that she got wet:
"I'll figure out a way to dry her when I get out of the tub."
"I know!" *runs off* I wash Ming-Ming on my shoe! *rubs Ming-Ming on the sole of her shoe*
How did that possibly seem like the thing to do...?