Quit Eating Hair and I Won't Have to Pull it out of Your Butt Hole

It's been a while... I really need to post more often!

To 1-year-old:
     "Don't play with your pee!"

3-year-old, yelling from the bathroom:
     "Mommy! There's bugs in the tub!"
     "Ok, they're in the tub, they're not going to get you. Finish what you're doing and get out."
     "No, come here!"
     "Fine." (In the bathroom) "Where are these alleged bugs?"
     "I don't know..."

Talking to 3-year-old while she's in the bathroom:
     "What are you doing?"
     "I'm trying to push my poop out. It's hard."
     "Oh, I'm sorry."
     (Excitedly, a few seconds later) "It came out!"

To 1-year-old:
     "Why are you eating a popsicle in the bathroom?"

To 1-year-old:
     "Why are you drinking and dancing?" (It was water...but I didn't think I'd be saying that for a few years, lol).

Changing 1-year-old's diaper:
     "Ow."
     "Well, quit eating hair and I won't have to pull it out of your butt hole."

3-year-old, swinging a toy fish around:
     "It's a fishcopter!"

To 3-year-old:
     "No more 'super jumps'"

Talking to 3-year-old while I'm sweeping:
     "Put your feet back, they're in the way."
     "Don't want you to sweep my feet off!"

3-year-old, wrapped up in her white blanket:
     "I'm a roll of TP!"

To 1-year-old:
     "Go back to the living room! I'm trying to put laundry away!"
     *Backs all the way out to the living room*
     "You can turn around, you don't have to back up..."

Changing 1-year-old's pull-up:
     "Why did a quarter fall out of your diaper?"

3-year-old yelling from the bathroom:
     "Help, Mommy! I'm about to fall into the toilet!"
The funniest part? She really was about to fall into the toilet.

To 1-year-old:
     "You cannot wear a nightie to go get your hair cut."

Kids taking a bath:
     (3-year-old) "Don't put it on your nipples, Adia!"
     (Me) "She can do what she wants with it, it's her soap and her nipples."

To 1-year-old:
     "Quit licking your toes!"

To 3-year-old:
     "Take my bra off of your head."

To my husband:
     "You have a monkey in your butt."
You find toys everywhere when you have kids...lol.

1-year-old getting out of the tub:
     "I wet."
     "You were taking a bath!"

My husband changing our 1-year-old's diaper:
     "No farting without a diaper on!"

1-year-old, while I was sitting on the toilet:
     *points* "Mommy panties."
     "Yes, I am wearing my own panties."

To 1-year-old playing with a toy tractor:
     "Why are you driving on yourself?"

To 3-year-old:
     "Why do you have a stick up the hamster's butt?" (It was a toy hamster, in case you were concerned LOL).

Me talking to my 3-year-old who had to pee in the middle of dinner:
     "Don't get pizza on your panties!"

To 3-year-old:
     "Get the pants off of the giraffe's head."

Talking to 1-year-old:
     "Where's your cup?"
     *points*
     "Where? I don't see it."
     *points the other direction*
     "It's not there, either. Do you KNOW where it is?"
     *shakes head*

3-year-old:
     "I left my green noise-maker at Grandma and Grandpa's."
     "I'm sorry. We'll get it next time we're over there."
     "I hope Grandma and Grandpa aren't playing with my noise-maker."

3-year-old, going into the bathroom:
     "I have to go explode, because my tummy is really upset." (Blame her father for that phrase).

My husband to our 1-year-old:
     "Don't scrape me with the toast."

To 1-year-old:
     "Don't eat the bubbles! It's soap, it's not to eat!"