Stand Still, I Was Trying to Crack Open Your Head

Talking to 4-year-old:
"What are you drawing?"
"A super potato!"

4-year-old to a fly: "Shoo! Leave my sister alone!"

To 2-year-old: "Quit splashing in your green bean juice and eat them!"

Talking to 4-year-old:
"Stop with the squeaking!"
"But I found a squeaky block!"
"That doesn't mean you have to squeak it!"

To 2-year-old: "It's not a ring, it's an olive."

4-year-old sitting on her princess chair talking to me while I was cleaning:
"You must bow when you speak to me!"
*pffft* "The poop I do!"
"You just bend your neck, like this!"
"I know how to do it, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna!"

To 2-year-old: "Do not smoosh your french fry with your foot!"

To 2-year-old: "I cannot wash a chicken nugget."

Talking to 4-year-old:
"Mommy what's recycling?"
"Well, it's when people take things and break them down to make new paper, or plastic, or whatever it is."
"Or hats!"

To 4-year-old, who was trying to tell me how to put my band-aid on: "I've been using band-aids a lot longer than you have."

2-year-old: "I want drive car."

Overhearing my 4-year-old talking to her little sister:
"Stand still, I was trying to crack open your head."
"What?! No! Do not crack open your sister's head!"
"It was just pretend."

To both of my girls while they were supposed to be brushing their teeth: "Less giggling, more brushing."

To 2-year-old: "You haven't even touched the toothpaste. Stick that in there and brush!"

To 2-year-old: "Your cup is not a football."

2-year-old: "I want pick it."
*I turn around to look at her* "Why are you picking your belly button?" To my husband: "Must you teach our children strange habits?"

Talking to 2-year-old:
"Did you poop?"
"No."
*I look in her diaper* "You did too, there's a huge turd in there!"
*giggles*

To 2-year-old: "Quit bouncing your olives!"

To 2-year-old: "Hey! You can't just bust in on people in the bathroom!"

To 2-year-old: "Quit licking my chair!"

To 4-year-old: "Don't tie yourself together, that's not a good idea."

To 2-year-old: "We cannot have chicken nuggets for every meal."

To 2-year-old: "You cannot just take a bite out of a raw onion!"

To 4-year-old: "Don't fart into your bowl!" *a few seconds later* "Don't make your sister sniff the bowl!"

To 2-year-old: "Can we quit talking about farts at the table?"

My husband to our 4-year-old, who was trying to 'fold' her little sister: "Don't grab body parts and fold them!"

To 2-year-old who was watching me take a bath: "Quit splashing! You're not even in the bath tub and you're splashing!"

4-year-old to my husband, while smearing bubbles all over herself in the tub: "I like to wear bubble armor!"

Signature tag by Geeky Graphx.

It Glues Monkeys Together!

To 1-year-old: "Do not put stuff in your mouth that is not food!"
That's one of those things you expect to say as a parent, but still, it seems like an odd thing to say.

To 4-year-old on her day off from school: "Just  because you're home does not mean you need to run around naked."

To 4-year-old: "Your sister is not nocturnal."

Trying to teach 4-year-old to do Wii Fit:
"Walk in place."
*She starts walking*
"Walk IN PLACE, not off the board!"

Talking to my husband, after seeing something sticking out of our 1-year-old's diaper:
Me: "What does she have in her diaper?"
*He pulls out a toy otoscope*
Me: "No! You cannot put things in your diaper!"
My husband: "Well, she doesn't have pockets."

4-year-old talking to my husband. He had stopped telling her what to do on Wii Fit.: "I can't do it without you controlling me!"

4-year-old talking about Gorilla Glue: "It glues monkeys together!"

Me to my 1-year-old: "Why is it every time I turn around you have something you're not supposed to?!"

To 4-year-old: "Do not pull your sister by her diaper."

Talking to my 4-year-old, after her little sister starts crying:
"What did you do to her?!"
"I was...holding her."
"You were not holding her! Why was she crying?!"
*Trying not to giggle* "I knocked her over."

You Can't Just Wipe Anywhere, You Have to Wipe the Butt Hole

My 4-year-old and I were talking about space and my 1-year-old says, "I want space! Now!"
Me too, kid. Me too.

To 1-year-old, trying to get out of putting a diaper on: "You can't go commando when you still poop in your pants."

To 1-year-old: "Don't bounce your peach, eat it!"

Talking to 1-year-old:
"Are you done with your peach? You're to the pit."
"I eat it."
"You cannot eat the pit..."

To 4-year-old: "You can't just wipe anywhere, you have to wipe the butt hole."

4-year-old:
"I'm a princess!"
"You're a princess because you're wearing princess panties?"
"Yeah!"

To 4-year-old: "Pants are not optional."

1-year-old, pointing at a peach: "Butt. Orange."
She gets her sentences backwards, lol. I suppose she's right, though, a peach does kind of look like a butt LOL.

To 4-year-old, while in the tub with her little sister: "Don't make your sister eat the bubbles."

To 1-year-old: "Just because your sister tells you to do something doesn't mean it's a good idea."

Talking to 4-year-old about her little sister:
"Be nice."
"But it's not her birthday."
"Her birthday is not the only day you have to be nice to her!"

4-year-old: "When I grow up, I want to pay the bill when we go someplace."
Me: "That's fine with me!"
My husband: "We'll remember that!"

4-year-old:
"Is this Adia's zucchini?
"Bikini."

She Farts a Lot

Me, to 1-year-old: "That was naughty, you're not supposed to color on reading books."
Big sister: "Or you will go to jail!"

To 1-year-old: "Your corn dog sticks are not drum sticks."

To 1-year-old: "Don't hammer your pizza box!" (Toy pizza box, obviously. I didn't just give her a pizza to play with LOL.)

Talking to my 4-year-old about shorts:
"I want mine with those brussel sprout things."
"Brussel sprout things? You mean ruffles...?"
"Yeah, ruffles."

To my FOUR-year-old: "Stop licking the cart."

To 1-year-old: "We can't go faster. It's a shopping cart, not a race car."

1-year-old, holding her leg in the air: "Ow! 'mooch it!"
*I kiss it*
"Thank you!" *runs off*

To 4-year-old: "Stop hitting yourself, please."

4-year-old, talking about the "toilet decoration" she made: "I like my poodle. That's why I pee with it on there."
Me: "O....kay...."

Talking to 1-year-old (who has a horrible shoe obsession:
"Shoes!"
"You don't need shoes."
"I want shoes!"
"You're in a diaper, you don't need shoes!"
"I want shoes!"
This continued for a while...

To 4-year-old on the toilet: "Quit playing the kazoo in the bathroom!"

4-year-old, talking about her little sister: "She farts a lot."