Please Quit Driving on My Clean Laundry

Me, to 2-year-old: "What do you have in your mouth?"
4-year-old: "I gave her bread crumbs."
Me: "You have your sister bread crumbs? How kind of you..."

To 4-year-old squeezing a bath toy: "Pay attention to where you are squirting!"

To 4-year-old: "Why do you have a boot in a bucket?"

To 4-year-old: "How did you scratch yourself on a pillow?"

Me: "Adia's feet are cute."
4-year-old: "I have big feet."
Me: "And smelly. Of course, hers are smelly, too."
4-year-old: "But mine are smellier!"

To 2-year-old: "Why are you setting your water on top of your waffle? It's not a waffle coaster."

To 4-year-old: "Get your backpack off of your head." (As in, her head was in the backpack).

4-year-old, looking at her little sister's poop in her diaper: "It's shaped like a chicken!"

Changing 2-year-old's diaper:
2-year-old: "I hold my feetsies."
My husband: "Glad we taught her that at the age of two."
Me: "Eh, it'll come in handy eventually."
*Husband glares at me*

To 2-year-old: "Why is the doll house wearing a firefighter hat?"

2-year-old, walking up behind me: "I need that boob."
Me: "What?" *turn around* "That's a bib."

To 2-year-old: "Eat your rice, don't poke it."

To 2-year-old: "Please quit driving on my clean laundry."