Please Quit Driving on My Clean Laundry

Me, to 2-year-old: "What do you have in your mouth?"
4-year-old: "I gave her bread crumbs."
Me: "You have your sister bread crumbs? How kind of you..."

To 4-year-old squeezing a bath toy: "Pay attention to where you are squirting!"

To 4-year-old: "Why do you have a boot in a bucket?"

To 4-year-old: "How did you scratch yourself on a pillow?"

Me: "Adia's feet are cute."
4-year-old: "I have big feet."
Me: "And smelly. Of course, hers are smelly, too."
4-year-old: "But mine are smellier!"

To 2-year-old: "Why are you setting your water on top of your waffle? It's not a waffle coaster."

To 4-year-old: "Get your backpack off of your head." (As in, her head was in the backpack).

4-year-old, looking at her little sister's poop in her diaper: "It's shaped like a chicken!"

Changing 2-year-old's diaper:
2-year-old: "I hold my feetsies."
My husband: "Glad we taught her that at the age of two."
Me: "Eh, it'll come in handy eventually."
*Husband glares at me*

To 2-year-old: "Why is the doll house wearing a firefighter hat?"

2-year-old, walking up behind me: "I need that boob."
Me: "What?" *turn around* "That's a bib."

To 2-year-old: "Eat your rice, don't poke it."

To 2-year-old: "Please quit driving on my clean laundry."

You Cannot Wear the Firefighter Hat in the Bathtub

To 4-year-old: "Don't feed your sister, she can feed herself!"

To 2-year-old: "Don't eat the soap, scrub with it!"

My husband: "I still want feetie jammies."
4-year-old: "Like grown-up teenager jammies? That's silly!"
Me: "Mommy and Daddy are not teenagers."
My husband: "Not for a long time..."

Trying to get 4-year-old to stay in bed at night:
"Now, stay in bed!"
"I've been quiet for a while."
"You've been quiet for maybe a minute."
"Yeah..."

To 2-year-old: "I think you're about ready to start potty training, since you're holding your own feet for me while I change your diaper."

To both girls: "Stop sniffing your feet!"

To 2-year-old: "You cannot wear the firefighter hat in the bathtub!"

To 2-year-old: "Get the bucket off of your foot and quit kicking your sister with it!"

4-year-old: "Adia pulled my hair!"
Me: "Adia, don't pull your sister's hair!"
2-year-old: "I bite it."
Me: "Well, don't bite your sister's hair, either!"

To 2-year-old: "Mousekersizing with a cookie in your hand... seems a bit contradictory."

4-year-old to 2-year-old: "Stop jumping on the couch, ma'am."

To 4-year-old: "Your sister is not a bouncy ball."

To 2-year-old: "Don't pour your apple juice on your chicken nuggets!"

To 4-year-old: "You just got apple pie on my foot!"

Signature tag by Geeky Graphx.

Quit Scratching Your Butt and Sit Down

To 2-year-old: "Nobody wants to eat the french fry you've been nibbling on."

To both girls: "No! No tug-of-war with your blanket on the bed!"

4-year-old: "Ow! I'm a little bit clumsy."
Me: "Yes, yes you are."
My husband: "A little bit?!"

4-year-old: "Who farted?"
2-year-old: "Me!"

To 4-year-old: "My foot is not a phone."

My husband talking to our 2-year-old:
"Daddy, I'm wet!"
"I know you're wet. You're in a bath tub, that's generally what happens."

My husband to our 2-year-old: "Don't smoosh your sister's toys."

To 2-year-old: "Quit scratching your butt and sit down."

To 2-year-old: "Quit 'fishing' with your french fry."

To 2-year-old:
"You're not mousekersizing. You're being lazy."
*Nods while chugging down apple juice.*

To both girls: "Stop bunny-hopping!"

Me to 4-year-old looking at spices while I made cider: "You don't want to put oregano in apple cider."

To 2-year-old, while changing her pull-up:
*Starts to run off*
"Wait! You only have one leg in!"

To 2-year-old: "You can't brush your teeth and eat chicken at the same time."

A Combination of Chocolate, Boogers, and Popcorn

Talking to my 4-year-old:
"It's Adia's hat! She was looking for that for years!"
"Well, she's only been alive for two years, so it couldn't have been too long."

My 4-year-old talking to me about her little sister:
"Adia's gonna grow up big! Big like a balloon and then go POP!"
"She is not going to pop!"

4-year-old: "I ate too much salsa. I'm gonna fart out fire."

To my 2-year-old, who was wrapping my measuring tape around her tiny little finger: "You do not need to measure your finger."

My husband talking about our 2-year-old: "She has a combination of chocolate, boogers, and popcorn on her hands."

Talking to my 2-year-old:
"Eat your apple."
"I roll it."
"It is not a ball, it's an apple. Eat it."
*Continues rolling it* "Whee!"

To 2-year-old: "Sweetie, you can't hold these cups upside down, they spill. Lesson number two of the big girl cup..."

Talking to my 4-year-old, looking out the window:
"Somebody threw an icky chip on our bush."
"Where?"
"There." *points*
"That's a leaf. It's just a leaf that turned brown."
"Oh."

4-year-old: *Marches up to me* "My feet stink." *Sticks her foot in the air at me* "Smell 'em."

To 2-year-old: "You don't move the table to you. You move your chair to the table."

My husband: "Son of a..."
Adia: "Bitch!"
Yeah...we're at the parrot stage. Need to watch our language, lol.

To 4-year-old: "Take your french fry package off your head."

Talking to 2-year-old:
"Chicken!"
"Go sit down and eat!"
*Walks over to her chair* "Pie!"
"It doesn't matter if you're eating something different, you still have to sit down!"

Signature tag by Geeky Graphx.

Why is There a Toilet in My Pillow?

To 2-year-old: "Quit trying to put your dollies in my pants!"

Talking to our 2-year-old during dinner one night:
Me: "Eat your beans."
My husband: "They make you fart!"
*She smiles and pushes*
Me: "That doesn't mean you have to try while you're eating them."

To 4-year-old: "It's not a drumstick, it's a fork." (Ok, I heard that one A LOT as a kid, lol).

To 2-year-old: "Don't grab people's butts.

Talking to 4-year-old:
"Can we go outside and blow my bubbles?"
"No, it's too cold out."
*Looks out the window* "I don't see any cold."
"You can't see cold."
"Oh. Why not?"

Me, when going to bed: "Why is there a toilet in my pillow?"

My husband to our 4-year-old: "Your sleeve is not a booger wiper."

4-year-old, running up to my husband:
"My balloon popped!"
"What happened?"
"I was poking it with this." *pulls out a toy knife*
"Ok, you can't poke a balloon with a KNIFE!"

To my 2-year-old after dinner: "Hang on, come here. You have rice in your nose."

4-year-old:
"Get the tutu off your neck."
"But I'm pretending to be a flower!"

2-year-old burps, and starts chewing.
My husband: "Did you burp some up that you're chewing?"
Adia: "Yeah."
My husband: "That's gross."

To my 2-year-old:
"Are you done eating?"
"No."
"Then sit down and eat. I'm not going to sit out here all afternoon while you dance around!"

Me, to my 2-year-old holding tongs:
"Put those down before you hurt yourself."
My 4-year-old: "You're gonna snap your eye out!"
"No, she's not! Don't tell her that."

Our 2-year-old looks in the toilet while we are cleaning her poop out of the bathtub.
"I poop in toilet!"
"Just because your poop is in the toilet, doesn't mean that you pooped in the toilet."

Quit Honking My Boob!

Talking to my 2-year-old:
"How did you get chili on your toe?"
*Looks down and wiggles it.*
"Quit wiggling it and eat the rest of your chili."

To my 4-year-old: "Quit flying."

To 4-year-old, eating dinner: "Don't play with your rib bones!"

To my 4-year-old: "Don't shake my Kahlua!"

To 4-year-old: "You are the only person I've ever met who is ticklish on their face."

To 2-year-old, trying to walk through the house behind her: "You're like being stuck behind an old lady with her blinker on."

To 2-year-old: "Quit honking my boob!"

To my daughters: "Your bowls are not hats, please take them off."

To 2-year-old: "Don't try to talk and swallow at the same time, it doesn't work."

To 2-year-old: "Why do you have two utensils and you're still using your fingers?"

To 2-year-old: "Don't put the Wonder Pets in your butt."

Conversation with my 2-year-old:
"Lana dance?"
"Lana doesn't have dance for a couple of days."
"Oh, why?"
"That's just when it is."
"Why?"
"Just because! Why are you such a pain in the butt?"
"Just 'cause!"

Talking to 4-year-old:
"Go brush your teeth."
"I don't want to. My leg hurts."
"That has nothing to do with your teeth, go brush."

Signature tag by Geeky Graphx.

Kitties and Bears Don't Use Tartar Sauce

To 2-year-old: "You have to wash both hands, not just one."

To 2-year-old: "You do not need a spoon for steak and potato chips!"

To 2-year-old: "You don't have to stab your potato chips...you can eat those with your hands..."

To 2-year-old, asking me for a toy while I was changing her diaper: "I'll give it back when I'm done with your poop."

To-2-year hold:
"Stop poking my bra."
"Boobs!"

Talking to 4-year old about dinner:
"I like these fries. They're wrinkle fries."
"Crinkle."

Talking to my husband about the grocery store not having tartar sauce:
Me: "They must have a hard time selling tartar sauce."
My husband: "Nobody eats fish around here."
4-year-old: "Kitties eat fish! And bears!"
Me: "Well...yes, but they don't use tartar sauce."

To 4-year-old, who was sitting on my pillow: "Pillows are not for butts or feet."

To 2-year-old: "You cannot live on waffles alone."

To 2-year-old: "You can't wear your diaper over your pants."

To 2-year-old: "Stop sucking on my chair... And don't bite it! What is wrong with you?!"

My husband to our 2-year-old: "Your pathetic cries for waffles will go unanswered."

To 2-year-old: "Don't suck on the dolly's foot."

To 2-year-old: "You can't go wash your hands, you have a meatball in your hand!"

Me, to my husband: "Did I take my lunch time pills?"
4-year-old: "I took my lunch time pills."
Me: "You don't  have any lunch time pills."


To 2-year-old: "Quit snorting on my chair!"


Dilana, to my husband: "You have hairy feet, Daddy."
My husband: "Yes, I have hairy feet."
2-year-old, holding up her foot and looking at it: "I want hair feet!"

  

Signature tag by Geeky Graphx.