She Farts a Lot

Me, to 1-year-old: "That was naughty, you're not supposed to color on reading books."
Big sister: "Or you will go to jail!"

To 1-year-old: "Your corn dog sticks are not drum sticks."

To 1-year-old: "Don't hammer your pizza box!" (Toy pizza box, obviously. I didn't just give her a pizza to play with LOL.)

Talking to my 4-year-old about shorts:
"I want mine with those brussel sprout things."
"Brussel sprout things? You mean ruffles...?"
"Yeah, ruffles."

To my FOUR-year-old: "Stop licking the cart."

To 1-year-old: "We can't go faster. It's a shopping cart, not a race car."

1-year-old, holding her leg in the air: "Ow! 'mooch it!"
*I kiss it*
"Thank you!" *runs off*

To 4-year-old: "Stop hitting yourself, please."

4-year-old, talking about the "toilet decoration" she made: "I like my poodle. That's why I pee with it on there."
Me: "O....kay...."

Talking to 1-year-old (who has a horrible shoe obsession:
"Shoes!"
"You don't need shoes."
"I want shoes!"
"You're in a diaper, you don't need shoes!"
"I want shoes!"
This continued for a while...

To 4-year-old on the toilet: "Quit playing the kazoo in the bathroom!"

4-year-old, talking about her little sister: "She farts a lot."